2008 – My life in review

Live life to the point of tears – Albert Camus

Highs & Lows

This year started with the purchase of an airline ticket to London and planning my first trip to Europe with my sister. As it does, life seems to move quickly from high to low and a few weeks later I was remembering the life of my dear friend’s mother. Questioning a faith that was intriguing to me I started searching deeper within the walls of The Church and my heart. My pride suffered a deep wound as I found myself drawn closer to my Savior during the season of Lent & Easter. I celebrated the marriage of another dear friend and caught her bouquet. (still waiting for that promise to pan out...) Shortly after I learned that the job I moved to Nashville seeking would be no longer. (On most days I still miss it very much although in all honesty there are things I don’t miss about it.) The high point of losing my job was an almost 5 month paid vacation which started with the trip I began the year planning. Hiking in the Peak District... walking in the places Jane Austin wrote about… Guinness at the Little John…Walking in the footsteps of the Fab 4 in Liverpool (and London)… and the footsteps of William Wallace in Stirling. Learning about scotch, where else but Scotland… Mass at Notre Dame… the top of the Eiffel Tower… looking at Paris from the steps of Sacre Coeur… Celebrating my birthday at the Louvre and later over wine out of a juice box with my sister in Paris. (Pretty much the best birthday EVER!)… Midsummer Night's Dream at the Globe… eating Mr. Whippie’s ice cream with chocolate flake in the grass under the London Eye… listening to a string quartet while sitting on the hardwood floor at the National Gallery… Big Ben at noon… H&M… dinner at Yo! Sushi… The Wine Crucifix at the Tate Modern… The next four months was a mix of rest, peace, friends, babysitting, a lot of reading… and a bit of job searching. I fell deeper in love with CS Lewis and spent the months of July and August reading and rereading all of his fiction (and some of his non-fiction). At the end of August I started a new job. I also realized that my year long inquiry of the Catholic Church was going to end my journey as a protestant. I tackled starting a new job and eventually got the hang of it. I lost my Grandmother and with her my last blood connection to that generation. I became Catholic, I gave my first confession and received the Eucharist… Life Changing. I gave thanks with my friends and celebrated the Incarnation with my family. I can’t tell you if I’m still crying from sadness or joy as we watched a home video of our family Christmas 10 years ago that included the Grandma I lost 2 months later. Hearing her voice again after 10 years was bittersweet… both a high and a low.

Gains & Losses

losses

a dream… well a few of them

my job

my grandmother

gains

a passport, and two stamps in it!

knowing what my sad eyes look like

more amazing friends

reawakened love of reading and deep thinking

a different perspective on life, from my knees

Reconciliation & The Eucharist

learning deeper surrender to a God who knows so much more of who I am than I do myself.

So to 2009 I raise my glass… “Bring it on!”

God Help Us All

When sworn into office Obama will be using the same Bible used by President Lincoln on March 4, 1861. This is the oath he will say:

"I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States. [So help me God]"

He may or may not add the last sentence… we’ll just have to wait and see.

We’ve worked so hard to sanitize God and Religion out of government, how was this overlooked? Why the heck are we still using the Bible and asking God for help?

Not all, but most of our Presidents were sworn into office using a Bible. (Lyndon B. Johnson was sworn in on a Roman Catholic missal!) So is using a Bible a personal preference? Is it the man that gives this Book meaning? I think not, but then what meaning does the Book have all on its own? It is Truth and acknowledgement of a higher power. What have we lost over the past 200 years that was present when Washington placed his hand on the Bible and made an oath to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution? His actions point at an answer... The balance between Church and State.

Humanly speaking, the time of Advent must have been the happiest time in Our Lady’s life.
The world about her must have been informed with more than its habitual loveliness,
for she was gathering it all to the making of her Son…
It must have been a season of joy, and she must have longed for his birth,
but at the same time she knew that every step that she took, took her little Son nearer to the grave.
Each work of her hands prepared his hands a little more for the nails; each breath that she drew counted one more to his last.
In giving life to him she was giving him death.
All other children born must inevitably die; death belongs to fallen nature;
the mother’s gift to the child is life.
But Christ is life; death did not belong to him.
In fact, unless Mary would give him death, he could not die.
Unless she would give him the capacity for suffering, he could not suffer.
He could only feel cold and hunger and thirst if she gave him her vulnerability to cold and hunger and thirst.
He could not know the indifference of friends or treachery or the bitterness of being betrayed unless she gave him a human mind and a human heart.
That is what it meant to Mary to give Human nature to God.
He was invulnerable; he asked her for a body to be wounded.
He was joy itself; he asked her to give him tears.
He was God; he asked her to make him man.
He asked for hand and feet to be nailed.
He asked for flesh to be scourged.
He asked for blood to be shed.
He asked for a heart to be broken.
The stable at Bethlehem was the first Calvary.
The wooden manger was the first cross.
The swaddling bands were the first burial bands.
The passion had begun.
Christ was man.
This, too, was the first separation.
This was her Son, but now he was outside of her; He had a separate heart:
He looked at the world with the blind blue eyes of a baby, but they were his own eyes.
The description of his birth in the Gospel does not say that she held him in her arms but that she
“wrapped him up in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger”
As if her first act was to lay him on the cross.
She knew that this little Son of hers was God’s Son and that God had not given him to her for herself alone but for the whole world.

Caryll Houselander

advent

may i be so bold to ask You...

Please hurry.

the heart of st. ignatius

I love for nothing else
I want nothing else
Thou alone art enough for me
My Jesus, my live, my love

Give me the grace to love Thee, that is enough for me.

St. Ignatius of Loyola

When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.
-- George Bernard Shaw

Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia!

St. John Chrysostom announces in this famous Easter sermon, all are invited to the feast:
"Let all then enter the joy of Our Lord! Both the first and the last, and those who come after, enjoy your reward! Rich and poor, dance with one another, sober and slothful, celebrate the day. Those who have kept the fast and those who have not, rejoice today, for the table is richly spread. Fare royally upon it-the calf is a fatted one.Let no one go away hungry. All of you, enjoy the banquet of faith! All enjoy the riches of His goodness.Let no one cry over his poverty, for the universal Kingdom has appeared! Let no one mourn that he has fallen again and again, for forgiveness has risen from the grave. Let none fear death, for the death of our Savior has set us free. He has destroyed it by enduring it. He spoiled the power of hell when he descended thereto. Isaiah foretold this when he cried, 'Death has been frustrated in meeting him below! 'It is frustrated, for it is destroyed.It is frustrated, for it is annihilated. It is frustrated, for now it is made captive. For it grabbed a body and discovered God. It took earth and behold! It encountered Heaven. It took what was visible, and was overcome by what was invisible. O Death, where is your sting? O Death, where is your victory? Christ is risen, and the demons are cast down. Christ is risen, and life is set free.Christ is risen, and the tomb is emptied of the dead. For Christ, having risen from the dead, is become the first-fruits for those who sleep. to Him be glory and power forever and ever! Amen. Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia!"

Judas

Today is recognized by the Church as the day Judas betrayed Jesus. Reflecting on today’s readings I wondered if Judas had a moment of pause when Jesus called him out. Matthew says from that moment on, he looked for an opportunity to betray Jesus. He’s thinking… looking… waiting… determining when. It had to always be in the forefront of his mind. Then as they are eating, Jesus announces to the whole room, “truly I say” meaning, I’m not joking, I’m not trying to determine IF someone will, I know for a fact that one of you is going to betray me. If that were me my heart would start to race, adrenaline would pump through my veins, and hairs would start to stand up on the back of my neck. My mind would race with thoughts like, how did he know… did he have me followed… is he really who he says he is? We know Judas had second thoughts but only after he followed through. Did Judas truly love Jesus? Or did he love the power he believed would come with the Kingdom and the Glory Jesus talked about? Did his pride get in the way? Where did he get the audacity to ask Jesus "is it I"? Thematically it feels a lot like the story I’ve heard about the fall of Lucifer… perhaps I’m just slow to come to that realization. It puts a different light on the work of the devil… not one that was unknown, just not focused on before.


Matthew 26: 14 - 25
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14 Then one of the twelve, who was called Judas Iscariot, went to the chief priests 15 and said, "What will you give me if I deliver him to you?" And they paid him thirty pieces of silver. 16 And from that moment he sought an opportunity to betray him. 17 Now on the first day of Unleavened Bread the disciples came to Jesus, saying, "Where will you have us prepare for you to eat the passover?" 18 He said, "Go into the city to a certain one, and say to him, `The Teacher says, My time is at hand; I will keep the passover at your house with my disciples.'" 19 And the disciples did as Jesus had directed them, and they prepared the passover. 20 When it was evening, he sat at table with the twelve disciples; 21 and as they were eating, he said, "Truly, I say to you, one of you will betray me." 22 And they were very sorrowful, and began to say to him one after another, "Is it I, Lord?" 23 He answered, "He who has dipped his hand in the dish with me, will betray me. 24 The Son of man goes as it is written of him, but woe to that man by whom the Son of man is betrayed! It would have been better for that man if he had not been born." 25 Judas, who betrayed him, said, "Is it I, Master?" He said to him, "You have said so."

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Just in case you didn't know "they" moved St. Patrick's Day so it didn't land at the beginning of holy week. Here is a prayer penned by the popular saint.

"St. Patrick's Breastplate"

I arise today
Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity,
Through the belief in the threeness,
Through confession of the oneness
Of the Creator of Creation.

I arise today
Through the strength of Christ's birth with his baptism,
Through the strength of his crucifixion with his burial,
Through the strength of his resurrection with his ascension,
Through the strength of his descent for the judgment of Doom.

I arise today
Through the strength of the love of Cherubim,
In obedience of angels,
In the service of archangels,
In hope of resurrection to meet with reward,
In prayers of patriarchs,
In predictions of prophets,
In preaching of apostles,
In faith of confessors,
In innocence of holy virgins,
In deeds of righteous men.

I arise today
Through the strength of heaven:
Light of sun,
Radiance of moon,
Splendor of fire,
Speed of lightning,
Swiftness of wind,
Depth of sea,
Stability of earth,
Firmness of rock.

I arise today
Through God's strength to pilot me:
God's might to uphold me,
God's wisdom to guide me,
God's eye to look before me,
God's ear to hear me,
God's word to speak for me,
God's hand to guard me,
God's way to lie before me,
God's shield to protect me,
God's host to save me
From snares of devils,
From temptations of vices,
From everyone who shall wish me ill,
Afar and anear,
Alone and in multitude.

I summon today all these powers between me and those evils,
Against every cruel merciless power that may oppose my body and soul,
Against incantations of false prophets,
Against black laws of pagandom
Against false laws of heretics,
Against craft of idolatry,
Against spells of witches and smiths and wizards,
Against every knowledge that corrupts man's body and soul.

Christ to shield me today
Against poison, against burning,
Against drowning, against wounding,
So that there may come to me abundance of reward.
Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,
Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ on my right, Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down, Christ when I arise,
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.

I arise today
Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity,
Through belief in the threeness,
Through confession of the oneness,
Of the Creator of Creation.

The proof that God is good is that she is here. - Jean Valjean (in Les Misérables, by Victor Hugo)

My first thought was, who? Who is here? (well… technically my initial thought was Jean Valjean just called God a woman?!…but I digress) Why does Valjean feel so strongly about her? So enamored by her, that she is all the proof he needs to know that God is good. With all the evidence that seems to point to the contrary, that is quite a counter weight. What must I do for someone to think that of me? I want to be her to have someone react to me in that manner. It strikes the chord of the deeper truth. The truth is, from the beginning we’ve been a gift. A suitable companion couldn’t not be found in all of creation so God went about creating the perfect companion for Adam. Can you imagine Adam’s excitement? At last she is here! We long for that one person to exclaim, at last you are here! We get so focused on searching for our individual value that we miss the point. In our soul and our being as a woman we were and still are created as a gift, a valuable one. In the same way Eve’s sin still infects us, her purpose does also.

I must thank Sister Beatrice for most of these thoughts, if she didn't actually utter them... she sparked ALL of them.

There are two sides to every sin: the turning of the will towards fleeting satisfaction and the turning away from everlasting value. The first can be called lust; the unbridled desire for pleasure. The second is pride; the lack of the submission to God. -- St. Thomas Aquinas

let us surrender to love

I loved the season of advent and Christmas this past year. I've loved learning about Mary and I think I’ve stumbled onto a deeper understanding of why. Mary surrendered to God, submitted herself to His will.

And Mary said, "Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word." (Luke 1:38)

I find my heart drawn in the same direction, in this season of lent… leading to Jesus’ surrender for me (and you and everyone else...)

And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, "My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will." (Matthew 26:39)

On Ash Wednesday I realized one of the things I am learning is the posture of submission (surrender) and humility. There is something about kneeling and bowing that reiterates submission not just in my heart, but in my being... in my knees, my head, my neck and my hands… it’s not about doing or earning.

Submission: a willingness to yield or surrender to somebody, or the act of doing so
Surrender: an act of relinquishing control or possession to somebody or something

“Surrender is not the best way to live; it is the only way to live.” Rick Warren

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. 4 Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” (Philippians 2:3-4).

“Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.” (Philippians 2:6-7).

"The reason why many are still troubled, still seeking, still making little forward progress is because they haven't yet come to the end of themselves. We're still trying to give orders, and interfering with God's work within us." A.W. Tozer

"The more we let God take us over, the more truly ourselves we become - because he made us. He invented all the different people that you and I were intended to be.... It is when I turn to Christ, when I give up myself to His personality, that I first begin to have a real personality of my own." C. S. Lewis

"Surrender yourself to the Lord, and wait patiently for him." (Psalm 37:7).

"Submit yourselves therefore to God." (James 4:7)

"Lord, thou hast won, at length I yield;
My heart, by mighty grace compell'd,
Surrenders all to thee;
Against thy terrors long I strove,
But who can stand against thy love?
Love conquers even me."

Omnia vincit amor
love conquers all things
et nos cedamus amori. - Virgil
let us surrender to love.

know why

I’m a big fan of song lyrics… then swim around in my head like quotes. Single words link them together in my brain… following the connections usually leads me deeper into myself… occasionally to catharsis. Echoing the words of Queen Esther these lyrics came to mind this morning. (from Hand me Downs penned by Amy Ray)

give me hope, give me hope
that emptiness brings fullness
and loss of love brings wholeness
to us all

you will weep and know why, these words have echoed in my head for the past two weeks. I initially thought that poem birthed no hope. Wondering how it could be called Spring and Fall when it just focused on the fall. I think the hope is in the two words “know why”. At first it seems that is where the despair lies… and it does…. the deeper our knowledge of our sin the deeper our love of our savior.

Isn’t that what Lent is about? A time of reflection and repentance of our sin (mainly recognizing our lack of ability to “live up” to God’s standard) that leads us to a joyful celebration of God’s gift to us…

I love that this season of Lent gives me time to prepare myself to celebrate the profound mystery of God dying on a cross for me... to pay for my sins... every single one of them.

turn our sorrows into wholeness

From today’s readings:
Save us from the hand of our enemies; turn our mourning into gladness and our sorrows into wholeness. Queen Esther

Jeremiah 31:13
I will turn their mourning into joy; I will comfort them, and give them gladness for sorrow.

John 16:20
Truly, truly, I say to you, you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice. You will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will turn into joy.


Why do you suppose Queen Esther asked God to turn sorrow into wholeness? The first thing that came to mind were these two other passages regarding sorrow turning to joy. Is joy wholeness? John writes a lot about joy becoming complete. The words “you will weep and you’ll know why” keep echoing in my head.

Spring and Fall
to a young child

Margaret, are you grieving
Over Goldengrove unleaving?
Leaves, like the things of man, you
With your fresh thoughts care for, can you?
Ah! as the heart grows older
It will come to such sights colder
By & by, nor spare a sigh
Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie;
And yet you will weep & know why.
Now no matter, child, the name:
Sorrow's springs are the same.
Nor mouth had, no nor mind, expressed
What heart heard of, ghost guessed:
It is the blight man was born for,
It is Margaret you mourn for.
- Gerard Manley Hopkins (1844-1889)


from yesterday's reading:
"Our hope is engendered in the midst of suffering. Instead of glossing over the pain, it goes straight to the heart, saying, 'Precisely here in these circumstances is where we must be hopeful.' Such hope rooted in the promise of things we don't see is a gift from god and can't be self-generated. We accept that gift only when we're able to relinquish our own version of expectations, outcome, success and control. the cornerstone of hope lies in Jesus' resurrection where, unexpectedly and seemingly impossible, life defeats death."