Was it really a silent night?

The profound mystery of God becoming man, given flesh by a virgin has become more real to me this year than ever before. More likely than not, because I spent most of the fall contemplating Mary and what she did for us. That it actually happened, not just some story we tell around the 25th of December each year. How God could be limited by flesh, and not at the same time… and what that means for you and me. The absolute absurdity that this could, or even would, happen brings me to my knees.

Reason wants to explain it away. How could a virgin have a child? Is there something she left out of her story? Was she really visited by an Angel? Did the Angel really appear to Joseph, or was his dream more of a sub-conscious sorting out things as his life completely turned upside down?

Not that I do, but even discounting the events that led up to his birth, the fact that all of creation is freaking out continues to speak of what an amazing thing God did. Angels are singing from the heavens and proclaiming good news to all that would listen. A star, shining brighter than ever, marked the exact place where God became man. 3 men traveled years to be there, bringing gifts and prophecies. Mary’s faith is stronger than mine, but even if she didn’t need reassurance. I wonder if their presence along with the shepherds brought some relief… or perhaps (as it does for me) served to increase her faith.


Long lay the world in sin and error pining,
Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth.

Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angels' voices!
Oh night divine, Oh night when Christ was born;

The King of Kings lay thus in lowly manger;
In all our trials born to be our friend.

He knows our need, to our weakness is no stranger,
Behold your King! Before Him lowly bend

"the real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes." -- marcel proust

The perfection of a Christian consists in mortifying his will for the love of Christ. Where there is no great mortification, there is no great sanctity.

-- St. Philip Neri

After you have made a decision that is pleasing to God, the Devil may try to make you have second thoughts. Intensify your prayer time, meditation, and good deeds. For if Satan's temptations merely cause you to increase your efforts to grow in holiness, he'll have an incentive to leave you alone.

-- St. Ignatius of Loyola

Adventures at both ends of the “no one loves you stick”…

I beat the hell out of myself yesterday and cried until I fell asleep. Why? Under the guise of an emotional release from some highs and lows over the past week. Under the guise of processing through some feelings I hadn’t gotten to yet. Instead it was a battle, a wrestling match if you will… where I needed all my strength to fight and instead found myself cheering on my opponent. Why do I seek comfort so close to danger. Why do I think I know what’s best for me?

Soul of Christ, sanctify me
Body of Christ, save me
Blood of Christ, inebriate me
Water from Christ's side, wash me
Passion of Christ, strengthen me
O good Jesus, hear me
Within Thy wounds hide me
Suffer me not to be separated from Thee
From the malicious enemy defend me
In the hour of my death call me
And bid me come unto Thee
That I may praise Thee with Thy saints
and with Thy angels
Forever and ever
Amen

undone

Recently I’ve been untying my attachments to the things I so desperately want that I have not been given. Asking God to help me cultivate a heart that is open to what He may or may not give me. I think I know what's good for me, and I may, but I know He knows more than what's good for me. He knows what's best for me and what I need in order to grow into the woman He designed me to be. It is a place I've longed to find and I'm being cautious to make sure it's actually where I am, not where I think I am. It's sort of like making the steep climb for the breath taking view. (Along the way I've stopped short many times thinking "what a great view") When you reach the top you forget about all the work you've done to get there. Some things that have happened in the past month almost seem insignificant, but 5 years ago even the thought was more than I could have dealt with. He is diligent and complete and He knows me. He has been gracious, loving and thorough in healing my heart. Never forcing me beyond where I was ready to go, but patiently waiting for me.

“It would seem that our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”
C.S. Lewis – Mere Christianity

i think i hear a call

It is a task of my job to open all mail that is addressed to my company but not to an actual person; I read countless stories from people called by God to be recording artist. Such a deep noble desire to do what God has called you to…but how do you know? Proclaiming you have been told by God and telling others of His intentions for you life…is that what it looks like?

I’ve been thinking about the process of being ordained as a priest…not for myself…but as a calling. Ordination…God ordained (ordained: 1-to command formally 2-to order or establish something formally, especially by law or by some other authority.) Maybe if we took our calling more seriously as someone called to the priesthood does…we wouldn’t go around putting our desires on God. Maybe we would go around asking God what His desires are. We’ve become egocentric and that bible verse about the desires of our hearts (psalm 37:4) and the words of Augustine, "love God and do what you want" have become strangely warped.

I have no idea how I got here…10 years later. For 5 years I worked out my calling in fear and trembling. 5 years of trying to figure out what God had in store for me. No idea how, when, or even if he would redeem the desire he planted in my heart to work in the Christian Music Industry. I think this is where He called me because 5 years later I’m still working in it at a job, on most days, I was created to do. But I sometimes wonder if He used that desire more to put me in a situation where I had to complete rely on Him where He could show me His faithfulness. A place where the mystery pushed in hard to my reality, where I could only walk by faith, because I had no idea where the path was leading me. If I’m completely honest…on most days I still don’t know where the path is leading me…other than the final destination. The real calling is to follow him, to grow in my desire for him and His desire for my life. He uses people everywhere doing everything.

One of my favorite songs that became an anthem for my life when I was working out all the fear of saying goodbye to a life I had built up in order to start completely new in Nashville.

Do I Dare: David Wilcox
You ask me if I’m faithful, You ask me if I’m true
I answer with a question cause it’s all that I can do.

Do I dare believe and let love lead my life?
Could I not believe and leave this love behind?
Do I dare believe and let love lead my life?
Could I not believe and leave this love behind?


I don’t have all the answers I can’t explain it all
I don’t know where I’m going but I think I hear a call…

Do I dare believe and let love lead my life?
Could I not believe and leave this love behind?
Do I dare believe and let love lead my life?
Could I not believe and leave this love behind?

words of wisdom

Be Thou My Vision

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

caitlyn smith

I was introduced to this singer songwriter at the beginning of this week. I don't know why but it ALWAYS surprises me when God gives me just what I need just when I need it. Her words couldn't have been more fitting or encouraging. It is like she read my heart and put forth exactly what i needed to hear.


What I thought would destroy me leaves me stronger in it's wake.

------

When one thing dies something else can be created

------

The truth is our mistakes do not define us.
The truth is shame doesn't have to find us.
The truth is the Lord will always find us and dare us to come alive.


Thank you God
Thank you Caitlyn

prayer & the chair at the hair salon part 2

i cannot improve on the analogy...but kristen can improve the hairstyle.

the resolution of all the fruitless searches

I’ve been fleshing out the idea of becoming truly myself. The person I am, who God made me to be, reaching my full potential. How do I do that when the world tells me to be someone else? (I think about the Cure song “why can’t I be you?") When my wounds and fears teach me to be someone else to avoid getting hurt?

The craziness that I came up with is community (also read relationships)…here’s why it’s crazy. It’s others who tell us who we should be. Though rejection and conformity we learn who we should be and how to hide who we really are. The paradox is in community we also learn to expose the venerable parts of ourselves to acceptance and love. When we don’t receive rejection we no longer feel the need to hide. So we start emerging, carefully at first then no longer hindered by who we think we should be, we come completely out of our shell. Fully visiable completely exposed to someone else we truly see ourselves for the first time, or at least for the first time in a long time.

A couple of days ago I ran across this description of Marriage from Buechner. The ending was completely unexpected but I agree with it wholeheartedly. I also love that he describes the promises a man and a woman make to each other in marriage as rash and quixotic (look it up, it’s a perfect description).


Marriage:
They say they will love comfort, honor each other to the end of their days. They say they will cherish each other and be faithful to each other always. They say they will do these things not just when the feel like it but even--for better or worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health--when they don't feel like it at all. In other words, the vows they made at a marriage could hardly be more extravagant. They give away their freedom. They take on themselves each other's burdens. They bind their lives together in ways that are even more painful to unbind emotionally, humanly than they are to unbind legally. The question is: what do they get in return?

They get each other in return. Assuming they have any success at all in keeping their rash, quixotic promises, they never have to face the world quite alone again. There will always be the other to talk to, to listen to. If they're lucky, even after the first passion passes, they still have a kindness and a patience to depend on, a chance to be patient and kind. There is still someone to get thought the night with, to wake into the new day beside. If they have children, they can give them, as well as each other, roots and wings. If they don't have children, they become the other's child.

They both still have their lives apart as well as a love together. They both still have their separate ways to find. But a marriage made in Heaven is one where a man and a woman become more richly themselves together than the chances are either of them could ever have managed to become alone. When Jesus changed the water in to wine at the wedding in Cana, perhaps it was a way of saying more or less the same thing.

the black and white blindsiding fact

The metaphor at the end of this poem hit me...well like a black and white blindsiding fact...it is very interesting and took this poem from kind of cute to extremely deep in a matter of a few sentences...enjoy

Earl

In Sitka, because they are fond of them,
People have named the seals. Every seal
is named Earl because they are killed one
after another by the orca, the killer
whale; seal bodies tossed left and right
into the air. "At least he didn't get
Earl," someone says. And sure enough,
after a time, that same friendly,
bewhiskered face bobs to the surface.
It's Earl again. Well, how else are you
to live except by denial, by some
palatable fiction, some little song to
sing while the inevitable, the black and
white blindsiding fact, comes hurtling
toward you out of the deep?



Poem:"Earl" by Louis Jenkins, from North of the Cities.
© Will o' the Wisp Books, 2007.

electricity: unplugging the myth

I'm really proud of the short film created by our small crew of 11 people. We were involved in the 48 hour film project about a month ago, which means this film was put it together, from the first word of the script to final edit, in only 48 hours. Please give it a look-see at the link below. It's really funny and I'm not just saying that because I'm biased (although I am…VERY…and I'm not denying it). Last night at the screening I attended it was the ONLY film screened that received wholehearted applause...

Genre: Comedy
Required line of dialog: "Can I get a little help, please?"
Required Character: Steve or Stella Fogarty, Electrician
Required Prop: Automobile part

electricity: unplugging the myth
A shocking propaganda film designed to convince the world that "electricity" is an elaborate hoax


48hour Awards: Earned

Best Overall Film
(that MEANS we WON the Nashville part of the contest!)
Best Comedy
Best Sound Editing
the Audience Choice Award
Runner Up: Director
Runner Up: Screen Play
Honorable Mention: Editing

Cast
Josh Cherry – Hubert J. Ohmsberg/Little Man
Dan Fiedler – Steve Fogarty
Megan Frank – Little Woman


Crew
Kevin Tucker – Director, Boom Operator, Best Boy, Writer
Ben Frank – Editor, Special Effects, Animation, Main Titles, Writer
Becky Tucker - Director of Cinematography, Location Manager, Co-Writer
Dan Fiedler – Second Camera, Grip
Jeff Leet – Production Designer, Property Master, Story Contributor
Tim Holt – Score Composer, Sound Editor, Sound Mixer, Foley Artist, Story Contributor
Lauri Leiweke – Costume Designer, Make-up & Hair
Mendy Myers – Production Manager, Cue Card Diva, Story Contributor
Megan Frank – Prop Wench, Co-Writer
David Perry - Writer




ENJOY!

just call me chicken little

It was a typical Saturday morning for me; I had picked up my produce and ran to the grocery store to grab a few necessities. I came home read a bit then proceeded to the kitchen to start making salsa. I had all the fresh ingredients for black bean corn salsa, my personal favorite. As I chopping up some tomatoes I hear the sound of dry wall cracking, well at that exact moment, I didn't know it was the sound of dry wall cracking. I looked up at the ceiling above the refrigerator. The crack up there had gotten considerably larger since the last time I looked at it. Realizing the sound I heard was telling me it wasn't going to hold much longer I stood there helpless trying to figure out what to do. I'm not very good at standing helpless. So true to form, I rushed into the problem to determine if there was something I could do to fix it. Given that I was pretty sure the ceiling was going to cave it. I assessed the situation and determined the only thing I could do was to try and guide the large pieces of drywall down instead of letting them fall on their own. If I tried to control the cave in, I might be able to save some of the stuff still piled high on the refridgerator and cabinets near the fissure.

The first chunk fell, and I though ok that wasn't that bad. Then as I'm standing there holding the ceiling up I realize this wasn't the smartest thing I've ever done in my life. (Although, surprisingly not the stupidest either.) Then I thought I'm going to die, this ceiling is going to collapse on me and I'm going to die, alone, under a pile of drywall and fiberglass snow. Somehow I was able to drop the piece of drywall behind me. Now, like everything in the kitchen I was covered with a thin layer of dirt and fiberglass. I'd survived the sky falling, and stepped down to assess the whole picture. Of course I stepped on a nail. So I headed to the bathroom, took a seat on the floor and processed for a few minutes while waiting for my foot to stop bleeding, keeping myself from panicking about infected puncture wounds, and trying to remember when my last tetanus shot was.

When that moment passed I started making phone calls… roommate… landlord… help… roommate… help.

The landlord came to check out the situation and didn't offer much in the way of comfort or help. He couldn't find anyone to come over and clean at that hour on a Saturday evening.Now, I need order in my life. When I am out of control of a situation (like when the ceiling falls down, perhaps) I need it more than ever. At that moment I needed to put the kitchen back in order. So, after leaving a few "please help me" messages, I began cleaning. Help arrived in the form of a friend and his brother about two hours later when I was cleaning up the last of the fiberglass. They took the three monster bags of fiberglass and the big heavy trash can full of drywall pieces, out. Then sealed up the gaping hole in the ceiling with trash bags and staples. (It's ghetto fabulous, and makes a whooshing sound when the back door is opened or closed.) Then entertained me ate some salsa that survived the ceiling collapse with some chips that didn't, and had a couple of beers that I had just happened to pick up at the store that morning. Then since the kitchen was not fit for cooking went out to eat some sushi.

It was definitely not how I had planned to spend my Saturday afternoon, but I guess it's best to be flexible. My high school choir teacher used to always say…cope and adjust…truer words have never been spoken, well at least when your ceiling falls down on you in the middle of making salsa.

rainer rilke's book of hours

these are some of the poems (or parts of them) that moved me as i read
The Book of Hours by Rainer Rilke.

-----

she who reconciles the ill-matched threads
of her life, and weaves them gratefully
into a single cloth -
it's she who drives the loudmouths from the hall
and clears it for a different celebration

where the one guest is you
in the softness of evening
it's you she receives

you are the partner of her loneliness
the unspeaking center of her monologues
with each disclosure you emcompass more
and she stretches beyond what limits her
to hold you.

-----

all creation holds its breath, listening within me,
because to hear you, i keep silent

-----

you, my own deep soul,
trust me, i will not betray you.
my blood is alive with many voices
telling me i am made of longing.
what mystery breaks over me now?
in its shadow i come into life.
for the first time i am alone with you

you, my power to feel.

-----

it's here in all the pieces of my shame
that now i find myself again.
i yearn to belong to something, to be contained
in an all embracing mind that sees me
as a single thing.
i yearn to be held
in the great hands of your heart -
oh let them take me now.
into them i place these fragments, my life
and you, God - spend them however you want.

-----

no one lives his life

disguised since childhood,
haphazardly assembled
from voices and fears and little pleasures

we come of age as masks
our true face never speaks

somewhere there must be store houses
where all these lives are laid away
like suits of armor or old carriages
or clothes hanging limply on the walls

maybe all paths lead there,
to the repository of unlived things.

-----

press down hard on me, break in
that i may know the weight of your hand
and you, the fullness of my cry.

-----

God speaks to each one of us as he makes us
then walks with us silently out of the night

these are the words we dimly hear:

you, sent out beyond your recall,
go to the limits of your longing.
embody me

flare up like flame
and make big shadows i can move in.

let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
just keep going. no feeling is final
don't let yourself lose me.

nearby is the country they call life.
you will know by its seriousness

give me your hand.

even rockSTARS have a bad night...

Stewart Copeland’s commentary on the reunion tour’s second night…

“Whenever you’re ready Mr. Copeland” says Charlie, the production manager, as two crew members hold aside the giant gong, creating just enough space for me to slither onto my percussion stage, which is still down in its pit. I leap on board but my foot catches something and I sprawl into the arena in a jumble as the little stage starts to rise into view. Never mind. The audience is screaming with anticipation as I collect myself in the dark and start to warm, up the gong with a few gentle taps. But I’m overdoing it. It’s resonating and reaching it’s crescendo before the stage has fully reached its position. Sort of like a premature ejaculation. There’s nothing for it so I take a big swing for the big hit. Problem is, I’m just fractionally too far away and the beater misses the sweet spot and the big pompous opening to the show is a damp squib. Never mind.

I stride manfully to my drums. Andy has started the opening guitar riff to MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE and the crowd is going nuts. Problem is, I missed hearing him start. Is he on the first time around or the second? I look over at Sting and he’s not much help, his cue is me – and I’m lost. Never mind. “Crack!” on the snare and I’m in, so Sting starts singing. Problem is, he heard my crack as two in the bar, but it was actually four – so we are half a bar out of sync with each other. Andy is in Idaho.

Well we are professionals so we soon get sorted, but the groove is eluding us. We crash through MESSAGE and then go strait into SYNCHRONICITY. But there is just something wrong. We just can’t get on the good foot. We shamble through the song and hit the big ending. Last night Sting did a big leap for the cut-off hit, and he makes the same move tonight, but he gets the footwork just a little bit wrong and doesn’t quite achieve lift-off. The mighty Sting momentarily looks like a petulant pansy instead of the god of rock. Never Mind. Next song is going to be great…

But it isn’t. We get to the end of the first verse and I snap into the chorus groove – and Sting doesn’t. He’s still in the verse. We’ll have to listen to the tapes tomorrow to see who screwed up, but we are so off kilter that Sting counts us in to begin the song again. This is ubeLIEVably lame. We are the mighty Police and we are totally at sea.

And so it goes, for song after song. All I can think about is how Dietmar is going to string us up. In rehearsal this afternoon we changed the keys of EVERY LITTLE THING and DON’T STAND SO CLOSE so needless to say Andy and Sting are now on-stage in front of twenty thousand fans playing avant-garde twelve-tone hodgepodges of both tunes. Lost, lost, lost. I also changed my part for DON’T STAND and it’s actually working quite well but there is a dissonant noise coming from my two colleagues. In WALKING/FOOTSTEPS, I worked out a cool rhythm change for the rock-a-billy guitar solo, but now I make a complete hash of it – by playing it in the wrong part of the song. It’s not sounding so cool.

It usually takes about four or five shows in a tour before you get to the disaster gig. But we’re The Police so we are a little ahead of schedule. It’s only the second show (not counting the fan gig – 4,000 people doesn’t count as a gig in the Police scale of things).

When we meet up back-stage for the first time after the set and before the encores, we fall into each other’s arms laughing hysterically. Above our heads, the crowd is making so much noise that we can’t talk. We just shake our heads ruefully and head back up the stairs to the stage. Funny thing is, we are enjoying ourselves anyway. Screw it, it’s only music. What are you gonna do? But maybe it’s time to get out of Vancouver…

x marks the spot

"Patience is not waiting passively until someone else does something. Patience asks us to live the moment to the fullest, to be completely present to the moment, to taste the here and now, to be where we are. When we are impatient, we try to get away from where we are. We behave as if the real thing will happen tomorrow, later, and somewhere else. Be patient and trust that the treasure you are looking for is hidden in the ground on which you stand."
- Henri Nouwen

a picture is worth a thousand words

this is what my computer sees when i'm using it. pure joy and excitment as i am now the proud owner of a macbook!!!! (picture taken using photo booth)

too much to ask for?

A friend recently told me she thought I would be good for this guy I like, which I loved to hear because it confirms my thoughts too. As if someone else’s confirmation makes a promise that heaven cannot deny. Unfortunately for my happy ever after fantasy, my head wouldn’t let me stay there and instead of picking out wedding flowers and baby names I found myself thinking, “of course I would be good for him...I would be good for anyone”. My internal voice is not always nice to myself and I’m not prone to extreme self-confidence, so this outburst really struck me. The question that truly needed an answer is what kind of guy would be good for me?

Another friend once said he was looking for the yin to his yang, so am I. Life for me is a journey of self discovery...continually striving to become a stronger person. I long to share the journey with another. Someone who complements me, and I don't mean someone who tells me I look beautiful (although hopefully that will happen too). Like complementary colors, someone who brings out the best in me and someone I can bring out the best in. Someone who's weakness are my strengths and vice-versa. I hope for someone who makes me a stronger person, challenges me and teaches me. Someone who I can do the same for. My heart doesn't long for someone like myself...mostly it longs for someone completely different (with a lot of patience) who will show me things from a different perspective with new eyes. A bit of a mystery who I'll never completely figure out. Someone who will give me the key to those inner places where very few have gone before. I long to venture there with tenderness, kindness, and love. To find the treasure and beauty hidden inside. I want someone who will do the same for me, carefully wiping off the layers of dust that has gathered on the fragile parts of my heart that have been locked away. Someone who's touch can bind the broken pieces left scattered over the ground by others in their haste to leave.

"What we actually need is real love, born when two real people recognize, accept, and tend to each other's imperfections."

Is that too much to ask for?

thoughts on good Friday

Many, many years ago My Savior died. He hung on a cross and was executed, publicly, gruesomely, and willing. The tears flow, the fear comes, Peter denies as his world crumbles around him. alone, surrounded by sorrow, no idea that even in death Jesus was leading and loving him.

I know how the story ends and the emotion that comes to me...the awe, the love and the thankfulness I have in my heart, the joy He brings. I cannot imagine wanting to go on in the wake of the crucifixion. heavy hearted, world shattered...then Gone!

At the foot of the cross, I find myself more often than not the mocker in the crowd or the other thief, shouting "if you really are Christ prove it to me by doing _______" ...not Your beloved. You call me to be Your beloved, even between painfully shallow breaths You storm heaven to protect me from Your wrath! "Father forgive them for they know not what they do."

Listen...I love you.
How do I respond?

I cry, I ask why You would love me, I demand You show me and until You do...I hold my arm out, not to embrace You , but to keep You away.

Broken hearted I lay my ______ at the foot of the cross, kneeling over it not yet ready to completely let it go, not completely ready to accept If I don't give it to You it will die. I know only You can give it life, but You may choose not to. (Help my heart change those last words into a command giving You control, instead of a reason not to.)

random love notes

this made me laugh out loud and snort a couple of times...no tears, well maybe a few but more because of the pain in my heart when I realized that the mysterious tall dark handsome (hey it's my imagination) foreigner looking for me...isn't actually.

Well raisa, "I am dreaming to find my real man" too...

prayer & the chair at the hair salon

Anyone who has known me very long, knows it a common occurrence for me to change the shape, color and style of my hair on a regular basis. My current coif is the color I should have been born with, a medium short style with bangs. Currently being described as "hot". Kristen nailed it this time because EVERYONE has commented on it. I’ve had double takes and comments from people I never even knew noticed my hair. Which got me thinking about Kristen, our relationship, and my complete trust in her skill to make me look beautiful. She is the artist and I am the canvas…well at least on good days. I have reached the point where I come to her with an idea and she makes it a reality. Numerous times my first comment on seeing my updated mane has been “it’s exactly what I wanted and I didn’t even know it.” Which got me thinking about prayer…stick with me here; I know it seems like a stretch. I have über trust in Kristen and her ability to make my hair look its best. It goes like this. I sit in her chair, Kristen puts her hands in my hair which embarrasses me, because it is always overdue for a shampoo and sometimes I haven't even run a brush through it. After my apology, she tells me not to worry about it. So I sit there and we talk about what I want to do with my hair. Instead of showing her pictures and telling her exactly what I want her to do. I give her ideas; tell her what I like about my hair and what I don’t. Instead of giving her exact instructions, I trust her knowledge and skill to make the idea come to fruition (which happens to be the name of the salon where she works) in the best way possible. I long to approach prayer the same way I approach Kristen’s chair. I sometimes get it, but more often than not, I give explicit directions to God and show him pictures of how I want things to work out. He has shown me over and over that he is faithful and trustworthy, that his knowledge and skill are immense…but somehow with certain parts of my heart I still find the hardest thing to do is trust Him. I long to let go and pray for His will in my life, to see that what God has planned for my life is exactly what I want…and let go of the picture of what I think will make me the happiest.

good quote

"Marriage hath in it less of beauty but more of safety, than the single life; it hath more care, but less danger, it is more merry, and more sad; it is fuller of sorrows, and fuller of joys; it lies under more burdens, but it is supported by all the strengths of love and charity, and those burdens are delightful."
Bishop Jeremy Taylor

writing is cathartic

The mood ring she wore was black; it had been black for weeks. Other than her tired eyes it was the only clue that something was wrong. Something was desperately wrong. Sleepless nights and mornings when she awoke more tired then when she went to sleep. The mask worked for a couple of weeks, now it was harder to wear. Her tears washed it off as they came more frequently and in larger quantity than before. Hopeless feelings wouldn’t leave her alone. Neither would the headaches that made her cry herself to sleep. Still she felt she could get through this on her own. She had to. She held her heart in two hands. She stood in the ruins of her broken life. She had to mend her heart. She had to clean up the mess. Her life, not his, was the on that was broken.

Why was she so happy when he was in her life? Why can’t she be happy with herself? Why can’t he be sad without her? Why does that stupid song on the radio always speak to her soul? Why does it always bring the tears? Why did I care…

I wrote this over 12 years ago when I was going through depression. I look back grateful I no longer feel this way and in awe that I made it through. I remember wanting life to end, but I didn’t believe I would go Home using that key. The nurturing part of me wants to go back 12 years and put my arms around her and let her know I love her now more than I did then. How proud I am of the way she fumbled through life and built an amazing character. How I wouldn’t have the strength I have today had she not fallen and struggled to get up again and again. I would thank her for not giving up and following her heart, no matter how much it hurt. More than anything I’m grateful that in her despair she found enough hope to give God her heart and allow Him to mend it.

But Who is counting...

9 days of no solid food, 9 days of only drinking lemonade, water, and hot tea (and sometimes salt water...bluck!) 9 days later and I feel amazing. 9 days later and I have more energy. 9 days later and eating feels about as foreign to me as the thought of not eating felt 9 days ago. But the master cleanse recommends 10 days.

Why I cut it short…
At day 6 the cayenne pepper started affecting my sinuses in such an unpleasant way that I didn’t want to drink it and only had a glass or two that day. On day 7 I had one glass and heartburn, so on day 8 and 9 I just drank water. Oh, and on Day 9 I sat with my friend and 3 of her children as they ate dinner. Between the 3 of them they were eating 2 of my favorite junk foods, macaroni & cheese and pizza. I was really good as I finished my 2nd class of water and heard my stomach growl for the first time in 9 days. I concluded that my time on the master cleanse had come to an end.

Benefits of cleansing and fasting:

Cooler than before…
I no longer have night sweats. I always thought they were because I sleep under a down comforter and get hot at night. It seems this isn’t so. When they stopped on day 3 I did bit of research and discovered that one way the body detoxifies is through the skin (well I knew that part) and during the night is the only time our digestive systems get a bit of a rest and our body is able to focus it’s attention on detoxification. So my night sweats was actually my body doing it’s very best to try to detoxify me nightly. I’m going to be careful to reduce the need for this nightly ritual in the future.



Just happy mendy…
I’ve always called myself a “shiny happy person” (**REM song queues up in the background**) Most of my pictures have a huge white square on my forehead. (for proof just look->) For now my oily skin has dried up. I actually had to put extra moisture on my face this morning. Never in my life would I do that for fear of breaking out. We shall see what happens…


14 pounds lighter…
Yes, I lost 14 pounds in 9 days…and you can too! Sounds like I’m pedaling the latest weigh loss gimmick. Not really. It will come back when I start eating solid food again, but maybe not all of it. Feeding my body what it needs not just what it wants is a very good thing. Last night I made homemade vegetable soup with organic vegetables from Wild Oats in the crock pot. It was so good I actually surprised myself for two reasons (1) healthy taste good and (2) I can cook.

I’m a purist…
I think water is the way to go. It’s harder, but your system goes into detox quicker and you don’t have extra stuff to mix, keep fresh or buy. All the benefits that the cleanse claims are the same you get when fasting and essentially the master cleanse is a juice fast. After reaping the health benefits I think water fasting is something I’ll add to my routine at least 3-4 times a year.

i did it

I've thought about getting a nose ring for about 7 years. And about 3 months ago i got more serious about doing it. Well, today was the day. With a little encouragement from my friend Jenn, she took me there and held my hand. Although I think i was pretty brave since she said i didn't even squeeze it. It was just nice to have her there. I don't think I would have walked in by myself...so much for "brave little mendy", huh?. It wasn't as bad as I thought, it really only hurt for a second.

i think with my heart...

It was chick rock week in my world. 4 new female rockers joined my collection this week. I love music and lyrics. I love the way songwriters evoke emotion both in the way they string their words together and they way they sing them. (Not to mention the music…but this blog is more about lyrics and less about music…so I’ll leave that meandering for another day.) Both Regina Spektor and Imogene Heap talk about their head and their heart in their first song, specifically when their head out rules their heart. Many times I let my thinking strong arm my feelings into submission. Probably comes from growing up the only feeler in a family of thinkers. (I’m off the charts in the feeling category of the Myers- Briggs personality test.) Anyway, not sure if I have a point other than wanting to share these new lyrics…

I never loved nobody fully/Always one foot on the ground/And by protecting my heart truly/I got lost in the sounds/I hear in my mind - Regina Spektor

Got your heart in a headlock – Imogen Heap

I had a dream last night that I ate 3 bites of a McDonalds cheeseburger and panicked…

I’m doing the master cleanse right now. All I do is drink lemonade made from maple syrup, lemon juice and cayenne pepper. Today is my 4th day (of 10) and I think I’m writing this more to solidify my resolve to finish all ten days more than because I really think anyone cares. The dream last night was really surreal because I was really hungry (although I’m not as hungry as one might expect after forgoing food for 4 days.) so I took three bites of the cheeseburger and then panicked, because (1) eating a cheeseburger after fasting for 4 days is a sure fire way to back your system up if you know what I mean…if you don’t e-mail me I’ll give you more details. (2) The main reason I’m doing this is to cleanse my system and make better choices and McDonalds unfortunately isn’t on my list of better choices. (3) I haven’t finished cleansing yet so I was upset that I took three bites before I even wrestled with the idea. In the dream I actually threw up the three bites but that’s probably more information than you wanted to know. But hey, you didn’t have to read this. The night before I had a dream I ate a fun size snickers bar, and I swallowed it. Tonight maybe I’ll dream about wanting to eat something and not actually eating it.

So here are a few thoughts about the master cleanse…
It is truly amazing how much more energy I have while not eating than when I am eating. Really makes me think that the stuff I put in my body is making me tired, all those preservatives, additives, artificial things and whatnot.

The salt water flush is fascinating. I use saline in my eyes for my contacts, to clean out my nose and now to flush out my intestines. Mind you it’s about the most disgusting thing I’ve ever tasted and the results are not very pleasant, but the whole process just fascinates me.

The hardest part of fasting is lunch time and dinner time. It’s amazing how my life is scheduled around meals. It’s part of my routine and breaks up my day.

It’s not as hard as you think. If you’ve ever wanted to do a cleanse or fast, do it.

caught unawares

itunes customer review of Future of Forestry: Twilight

Tricked! (2 stars)
I’ve been tricked! At first listen this sounded fairly decent so I picked it up. Look out it’s Jesus Rock! iTunes please put this in it’s rightful place or at least put a warning label on it! Just a heads up for anyone out there who might get caught unawares like I did – you can’t be too careful these days…

I try to listen and understand views and opinions from other people that don’t necessarily match my own. I am sarcastic by nature by try not to make too much fun of opinions that differ from my own…this is a bit of an exception. I am a little protective because I am close to this record. It is one of my favorites and i've been listening to it since last May. Since it just released, I ran across this customer review on itunes. I agree this is classified wrong. I would have at least called it rock or alt rock, not pop. But why should it be classified as chrisitan? The guys are Christian and when he sings “you’re all I want” he is talking about God. Why should Christian music be classified by the lyrics, when no other genera is? I mean, there aren’t genres called depressed, vulgar, or agnostic. The warning label idea really made me laugh out loud. What would it say?
Caution this record could be good for your heart
Safe for the whole family
This album contains no references to sex, drugs, or violence and has no explicit lyrics.

Who Cares

The is seriously a cool song. I LOVE the contradictions

Gnarls Barkley : Who Cares
I have a hard time taking the easy way
I wouldn't call it schizophrenia But I'll be in these two here today
If that's ok

And I could go on an on an on But who cares?

It's deep how you can be so shallow
And I'm afraid coz I have no fear
And I didn't believe in magic until I watched you disappear
I wish you were here

And I could go on an on an on But who cares?

You see, everybody is somebody but nobody wants to be themselves
And if I ever wanted to ever understand me I'd have to talk to someone else
Coz every little bit helps

And I could go on an on an on But who cares?

It feels like the surreal life but its still nice
Wish I could live twice and I still might if these wounds heal right
I see a little light Even though its still night

And I could go on an on an on But who cares?

Friday, June 23, 2006

I'm Sorry, BUT...

But - a grammatical word used in the middle of or at the beginning of a sentence to introduce something that is true in spite of being contrary to what has just been said.

Is "I'm sorry BUT..." truly an apology? I understand there are reasons behind how something transpires. Most people willing to utter the word sorry are not prone to do things on purpose, which will require an apology. If you are truly sorry, leave the BUT out of it. All it does is negate the apology. I really don't care why, just that the need to apologize is recognized and followed quickly by the action of apologizing.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Thanks, David Wilcox

About 12 years ago I was introduced to his music and about 9 years ago I met the man. My favorite singer/songwriter and a probably the reason I'm a fan of the genre. He writes songs with many layers, just like life. He sees depth in the simple things we experience. He has a vantage point on the human condition so his songs seem to come from your head, or more so your heart, instead of his. This man sings about my heart so poetically that I was speechless when I met him. For those of you that know me, I wasn't exactly speechless but the words that came to mind and the few that came out of my mouth seemed inadequate. Here is my story about when I met David Wilcox.

It was right around my 22nd birthday, I believe just a couple of days after. I heard he was playing at someplace in Orlando called the Sapphire Supper Club. Mind you this was way back when before the internet was as prominent as it is today. So when I say I "heard" I cannot recall how exactly. I think my friend Jaysen told me. I seriously called information from my land line to get the number of the venue, called the supper club for directions, got in my car and drove from St. Petersburg to downtown Orlando with vague directions in hand. (Did I mention this was in the days when I was young and naive, or maybe more daring, or maybe I just really wanted to see DW in concert.) I found the venue and paid my $20 to get in. Then I really had to visit the facilities. (I had been in the car for an hour and a half, and yes this needs to be part of the story.) When I washed my hands and walked out of the bathroom I almost ran in to the man himself making his own pit stop. The only greeting that came to my mind was "You're David Wilcox!" Luckily the filter in my brain that keeps me from saying stupid things was on and reminded me, he already knows that. So I decided not to tell him who he was and just walked past him to find a place to watch the show.

The things I remember about the show are he tells a story almost as well as he sings a song. He has this laugh that almost makes him sound crazy. He took a few request, one of them was Mango that he didn't sing because he couldn't remember the words, which I thought was weird since he wrote them. He wore a t-shirt and plaid shorts. He was supporting Turning Point and played with a band.

But after the show is when it gets good, or at least it's when my words became inadequate. The show was small, probably under 100 people. I decided to purchase the new CD since it was new. (Which is weird to say since it was my 3rd DW CD and I've had so many more A-Ha moments listening to this man's wisdom since then. Strange how he feels so familiar but I don't even know him. It was his words that encouraged me to risk stepping out in faith and move to Nashville.) It was a small show so he was accessible and an autograph line formed. My mind was blank, what do you say to someone who you lean on for lyrical wisdom, to make sense out of life, and to encourage your heart? The best I came up with was "You're Great" and then I stared... I mean really stared...awkward stared...at him. I'm a dork all the way to my core. I think we all are in some form or fashion. He must have asked my name because it is on my CD, spelled correctly with the words "Thanks, David Wilcox".

Friday, April 21, 2006

all fired up...

so i was rocking out to pat benatar on my way to work (dont judge, there is some serious wisdom in this song...or at least some that spoke to me on my way to work this morning.)

"I believe there comes a time when everything just falls in line we live and learn from our mistakes the deepest cuts are healed by faith."

Thursday, April 13, 2006

sir mccartney's prayer

maybe not a prayer, but check out these lyrics, who else could he be talking (well singing) to? (third verse...it's probably closer to a bridge...is my personal fave.)
Follow Me Lyrics(Paul McCartney)You lift up my spirits, you shine on my soulWhenever I'm empty, you make me feel wholeI can rely on you, to guide me through, any situationYou hold up a sign that reads, follow me.You give me direction, you show me the wayYou give me a reason, to face every dayI can depend on you, to send me to, any destinationYou hold up a sign that reads, follow me, follow me.Down the track of loneliness, down the path of loveThrough the words of heartache, to the endOn the shores of sorrow, where the waves of hope crash inThe perfect place for me to find a friend. ahh yeah yeah yeah, ohYou lead to places, that I've never beenUncovering secrets, that I've never seenI can rely on you, to guide me through, any situationYou hold up a sign that reads, follow me, follow me,Follow me, follow me.

Monday, March 27, 2006

lyrical wit and wisdom

right now i feel invisible to you, like i'm not real.

why are you so far away she said, how would you ever know that i'm in love with you.

i've hitch-hiked way to long, rather grab on, rather hold on for the rest of my life, for the rest of my life.

oh we touched and went our seprate ways

I'm so tired, of playing, playing with this bow and arrow
gonna give my heart away leave it to the other girls to play

many is a word that only leaves you guessing

know that my care for you never ceases,
you can break my heart into a million pieces,
but i'm still gonna feel the same.

you may be a lover but you ain't no dancer

you know a melody can move me,
and when i'm feeling blue the guitar's coming through to soothe me.

nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight,
got to kick at the darkness til it bleeds daylight

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Happy S.A.D.

"Happy Singles Awareness Day!"

This is how a friend started my morning yesterday. Think about it...it's pretty true. I walked into work early and ran into a flower delivery guy. He asked if I knew the person receiving the flowers, had me sign for them and deliver them to her desk. As the day progressed there was more chatter about flowers and evening plans. I'm aware everyday that I am single. But every other day it's not in my face everywhere I look, or it doesn't seem to be. I'm not bitter. I am excited for all my friends that are part of a couple...I just really want to be one of them sooner than later.

I hate the singles cliche "God's my boyfriend", or whatever it is...the sentiment is the same. I don't like how stupid it sounds when I try to say it out loud. He is the love of my life and always will be. As much as I hate being single...and I do. I also love that God shows up in ways for me because He knows my heart's longings and He loves me that much.

I absolutely HATE getting my oil changed. I despise going. I hate driving into the place with the open floor, afraid I won't get my wheels in the right place. I hate the smell. I hate the way they recommend all of the extras and that they charge so much for them. I hate that I don't know if I should take their recommendations. Does my car's fuel system really need to be flushed? Does my car even have one of those things they tell me I need to replace? I'm going to admit it, I go past my 3,000 miles regularly. I put it off because I hate it. Anyway...I had to go yesterday. It couldn't wait any longer. To top it off it's Valentines Day. (This whole oil change business is something I hope to pass off when I am married. This may sound odd, but for my adult life I've been taking care of everything myself. I believe one of the benefits of marriage is the two of you get to share the responsibilities and take on things you are better at than your spouse, and maybe even enjoy doing. Who knows if it actually will work out like this...I just hope to find out one day.) So I have to do something I hate on Valentines Day, and to top it off it's something that reminds me that I'm very single. I do not know why, but about half way through the oil change one of the guys asked me if someone had given me a rose. To which I replied, "Are you kidding, would I be getting my oil changed if I had someone in my life to give me a rose?" Well, not really... actually I said "No" to which I received a long stemmed red rose. It's beautiful! I don't care that it came from a guy who works at Valvoline, and I don't even know his name.

I love when God does things that I cannot explain away...like a rose at Valvoline on Singles Awareness...uh...Valentines Day.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

the green mile...

I caught the last hour of The Green Mile on network television yesterday. I had never seen it. I'll have to catch it from the start but not for awhile. At the end of the movie, Tom Hanks' character starts talking about how old he really is and how he had to say goodbye to everyone he loved. Now I'm a crier. I cry when I laugh, when I'm frustrated, when I'm overjoyed, sometimes in my sleep, but mostly when I'm sad. At the end of this movie, all by myself in my apartment I started wailing. I cry at sad movies, this one was a sad movie. But, I'm not particularly prone to wailing out loud.

My Grandad passed away 3 weeks ago. His body had been wearing out little by little for the past 10 years. When I saw him at Christmas it was bittersweet. It was wonderful to look into his eyes and let him know how much I loved him. Yet it was heart wrenching to see his tears. A month later my Dad was calling to let me know he had stopped breathing during the night and was in the ICU. He never woke up. The next day as they weaned him off of the ventilator he went Home.

Grief is such an odd thing. 8 months ago I had to say goodbye to my Grandpa the day after I turned 30 and 8 years ago to my Grandma. I'm blessed I had so many years with them but there is so much more I wanted all three of them to be part of...some day a wedding and hopefully great-grandkids. Thats what I mourn. Some days, more than others, the loss feels immense. Today I feel like I'm crumbling into a pile...I'm the same person that looked at my Grandad in his casket and felt peace. There were no more tears in his eyes.

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.

I know where he is...why is it ripping my heart out that he's not here? Why does my own heart long for heaven and grieve so deeply the loss of those who have gone there?


A Piece of your Heart - Chic Small (a.k.a. Grandad)

A gift can work magic for those far and near
A gift can ease suffering and eliminate fear
A gift may be great but thats not the best part
The best magic is worked in the givers heart.

Its a joy to give to an acquaintance or friend
No doubt it brings happiness seemingly without end
But our heart grows like a delicate fern
When we give to a stranger and expect no return

God gave us dominion over the fish of the sea
And all woodland creatures whatever they may be
Domestic and wild beast that live in the herds
And he gives us great pleasure in feeding wild birds

Now why should I give? a doubter might say.
I work hard for my money and have taxes to pay.
God gave us wealth, the way that I figure
And when we give from the heart the heart will grow bigger

Why is this so? a friend once said
And I searched for an answer as I lay in my bed
God gave me the answer and I awoke with a start
You cant give a gift without a piece of your heart.

God created man and made him unique
Made him to think and taught him to speak
With all these gifts right from the start
God surely gave us a big piece of his heart

You may give to your spouse, son, daughter or niece.
Grandparents, aunts, uncles and nephews if you please
Your gifts will bring great joy right from the start
If along with your gift is a piece of your heart.

God commanded us to serve and love our brother
The only way we can serve God is to serve one another
Jesus gave his all right from the start.
Surely we can give God a piece of our heart.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

balance, life, risk and growth

Do you remember as a kid when you played on a teeter-totter? How when you got older you didn't just sit on one end with your friend on the other…but stood in the middle to see if you could make the whole thing balance by swaying gently back and forth? Somewhere along the way that became a life image for me…Life seems to be a series of things to keep balanced. Balanced diet, balance home life and work, balance the time spent watching television with time reading, balance hope with truth, give and take…you get the picture. Thinking back to the teeter-totter, that place when you stop swaying, not tilted to the left or the right…could that be perfection, perfectly balanced. A state I can reach on the teeter-totter but only until I tire from boredom. A state I cannot reach in life no matter how hard I strive. So why try…because it keeps me well rounded and not extreme, because it's good for me, because it makes me a better citizen, because it's a place to find rest? I strive for stability…yet there's a part of me that doesn't want to stay there long but rock hard back and forth and enjoy the ride. Maybe Life is not staying balanced but becoming balanced when you get knocked one way or the other. Or experiencing both sides and discovering your middle ground. I tend go with the flow and let life take me places, instead of bracing myself, tucking my head down and going against the grain. (My sister is amazing at this. Stubborn as all get out and will not take "no" for an answer. Her persistence pays off most of the time she steps up to the challenge she get's her way. It's rather impressive to watch and down right annoying when you are one of the parties involved.) It takes a lot for me to actually step out and take a risk. I came across an old journal entry where I had written "the reward of the risk is the relationship", that was no doubt during a season when I was hoping that if I exposed the feelings I had in my heart I would discover this guy had the same ones. Instead of being patient, I boldly wore my heart on my sleeve and faced the danger of rejection because it was worth the risk. Years have made me more cautious and I don't find my heart on my sleeve as often. I find it were it belongs, guarded. (Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.) I also find myself no longer agreeing with the truth of my statement. Not because there is no reward in risking, but because the reward is growth. Plain and simple taking a risk causes growth no matter what happens. I can strive for balance but life is messy and risks are hard and personal growth doesn't happen when I sit back and wait for it, but when I dig in deep and I'm not afraid to get my hands dirty. Maybe the life image is not standing perfectly balanced but continually rocking back and forth experiencing what life has to offer. And sometimes, when I'm not strong enough, someone on the other end.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

entertaining eyes & ears

new music and movies i've enjoyed over the course of december 2006. in case you are interested i bolded my favorites.
ears:
Micah Dalton: The Advancement EP & These Are The RootsThis guy is my new favorite artist. The song "Just Stay" is the reason I checked him out in the first place (it's currently my profile song). Although, all of his songs are good. The record sounds more polished, while the EP (2006) feels more organic. They are both awesome.
Pole Folder: Zero Gold
Sufjan Stevens: Illinoise
Paul McCartney: Ecce Cor Meum
eyes:
StayThis is directed by the same guy that did Finding Neverland and Stranger than Fiction. It's not really like either. It's more like quantum theory meets artsy movie, very dreamy.
Nativity:The Holiday:
End Of The Spear
Over The Hedge
Firewall
Failure To Launch
Monster House

Friday, January 12, 2007

2007 New Years Resolution

Read more for fun

So I must admit I've watched the movie pride and prejudice about a hundred times. (Well not a hundred times...but it was an exaggeration used for dramatic effect, aka a hyperbole. I only bring that up because twice the word has come up in conversations pertaining to my manner of speaking.) I recently picked up the book. (pride and prejudice, in case my lesson on hyperbole made you lose the track of what i was actually writting about.) Can you believe it's better than the movie? I am so enjoying it and discovering more of the delicacies of the dialog and the characters manners. Don't get me started on the absurdity of Lady Catherine or Mr. Collins. I'm also finding some interesting old words and phrases. (felicity – happiness or contentment and "the violence of my affection" are my current favorites). Last night I had the joy to discover a beautiful description of my sense of humor. (It's actually Darcy's description of Elizabeth's humor, but I believe it fits me also.) "you find great enjoyment in occasionally professing opinions which are in fact not your own." So next time, I have to explain my sense of humor…I might try using that line, instead of "I'm hardly ever serious."...although if someone didn't get my humor they probably wouldn't get the explanation either.

Friday, January 05, 2007

melancholy ipod

my ipod has been melancholy (with the sad face and everything) for the past two months, a day ago it just snapped out of it. i guess it just needed a break. maybe i was too hard on it, or it was feeling taken for granted…i mean i have made it work everyday without a break since i got it a year and a half ago. maybe it just needed to hear some of the music contained in its soul to remember it had a purpose and found some joy in doing what it does best, connecting me with some of my old friends and giving a soundtrack to my life.
for whatever reason it stopped working and then started again…i am overjoyed that i don't have to start looking for a replacement.

Friday, December 01, 2006

U2 - Charist

When I read things like this I immediately switch to cynical mode. This conjures up images of the "buddy christ" from the movie Dogma (which in itself is good and bad) I cringe at the idea of trying to make communion "cool", like it needs to be marketed with better songs and a cool name.
Tell me what you think…
http://www.usatoday.com/life/music/2006-10-25-u2-churches_x.htm

Monday, November 20, 2006

confession

When I'm in the car at 12:05 I try to catch The Writer's Almanac on NPR. It features Garrison Keillor reading a poem of the day. Today's poem really struck a chord with my heart. I wanted to share it...enjoy.
You Must AcceptKate Light
You must accept that's who he really is.
You must accept that you cannot be his
unless he can be yours. No compromise.
He is a canvas on which paint never dries;
a clay that never sets; he's steel that bendsin a breeze
he's a melody that when it ends no one can whistle
he is not who you thought. He's not.
He is a shoe that walks away: "I will not go where youwant to go."
"Why, then, are you a shoe?""I'm not.
I have the sole of a loverbut don't know what love is."
"Discoverit, then." "Will I have to go where you go?""Sometimes."
"Be patient with you?" "Yes." "Then, no."
You have to hear what he is telling you
and see what he is; how it is killing you.

Monday, August 28, 2006

massive obession

massive attack is a recent obession of mine, i know i'm only 15 years late, but bettter late than never. not to mention that for most of those 15 years i was attracted to different types of music. during that time i developed a passion for singer/songwriters and modern rock. My sister has influenced my taste of classic rock and just plain rock and roll. she has always liked good music and I haven't. I do now, but it's always an uphill battle convincing her of this. She still judges me by my top 40 phase in high school. I'm starting to make headway but when i told her i've been delving into electronic music she about choked. i, like my sister, avoided electronica since it evoked sounds of "axel f" from beverly hills cop or some guy, any guy with a casio. so when i came across "collected" at work and heard tracey thorn sing "protection" i was intrigued. i actually had one of our A&R guys confirm that i could say "trip hop" without sounding like a fool. i've been massively obessed since then. the lyrics are amazing. and the music is unpredictable but soothing at the same time. one bonus of discovering a band 15 years late, i have not had to wait for a new album. as one becomes familiar i've been able to get the next one.
unfinished sympathy is my current song obession...

I know that i've been mad in love before
And how it could be with you
Really hurt me baby, really cut me baby
How can you have a day without a night
You're the book that I have opened
And now i've got to know much more
The curiousness of your potential kiss
Has got my mind and body aching
Really hurt me baby, really cut me baby
How can you have a day without a night
You're the book that I have opened
And now I've got to know much more
Like a soul without a mindIn a body without a heart
I'm missing every part

Friday, August 04, 2006