Many, many years ago My Savior died. He hung on a cross and was executed, publicly, gruesomely, and willing. The tears flow, the fear comes, Peter denies as his world crumbles around him. alone, surrounded by sorrow, no idea that even in death Jesus was leading and loving him.
I know how the story ends and the emotion that comes to me...the awe, the love and the thankfulness I have in my heart, the joy He brings. I cannot imagine wanting to go on in the wake of the crucifixion. heavy hearted, world shattered...then Gone!
At the foot of the cross, I find myself more often than not the mocker in the crowd or the other thief, shouting "if you really are Christ prove it to me by doing _______" ...not Your beloved. You call me to be Your beloved, even between painfully shallow breaths You storm heaven to protect me from Your wrath! "Father forgive them for they know not what they do."
Listen...I love you.
How do I respond?
I cry, I ask why You would love me, I demand You show me and until You do...I hold my arm out, not to embrace You , but to keep You away.
Broken hearted I lay my ______ at the foot of the cross, kneeling over it not yet ready to completely let it go, not completely ready to accept If I don't give it to You it will die. I know only You can give it life, but You may choose not to. (Help my heart change those last words into a command giving You control, instead of a reason not to.)
1 comment:
i know it's probably weird to post a comment on your own blog, but i wanted to add these thoughts... reflections... gracious prayers...
not even a year since this post i look in my hands for what i was holding so tightly for so long. i don't find it... i still know what it was and i know what it is. so much more than i wanted, yet also what i feared.
i thank you for open hands, for surrender of my will and acceptance of yours... for the good gifts you give and the things you take away.
blessed be your name, Jesus.
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