a picture is worth a thousand words

this is what my computer sees when i'm using it. pure joy and excitment as i am now the proud owner of a macbook!!!! (picture taken using photo booth)

too much to ask for?

A friend recently told me she thought I would be good for this guy I like, which I loved to hear because it confirms my thoughts too. As if someone else’s confirmation makes a promise that heaven cannot deny. Unfortunately for my happy ever after fantasy, my head wouldn’t let me stay there and instead of picking out wedding flowers and baby names I found myself thinking, “of course I would be good for him...I would be good for anyone”. My internal voice is not always nice to myself and I’m not prone to extreme self-confidence, so this outburst really struck me. The question that truly needed an answer is what kind of guy would be good for me?

Another friend once said he was looking for the yin to his yang, so am I. Life for me is a journey of self discovery...continually striving to become a stronger person. I long to share the journey with another. Someone who complements me, and I don't mean someone who tells me I look beautiful (although hopefully that will happen too). Like complementary colors, someone who brings out the best in me and someone I can bring out the best in. Someone who's weakness are my strengths and vice-versa. I hope for someone who makes me a stronger person, challenges me and teaches me. Someone who I can do the same for. My heart doesn't long for someone like myself...mostly it longs for someone completely different (with a lot of patience) who will show me things from a different perspective with new eyes. A bit of a mystery who I'll never completely figure out. Someone who will give me the key to those inner places where very few have gone before. I long to venture there with tenderness, kindness, and love. To find the treasure and beauty hidden inside. I want someone who will do the same for me, carefully wiping off the layers of dust that has gathered on the fragile parts of my heart that have been locked away. Someone who's touch can bind the broken pieces left scattered over the ground by others in their haste to leave.

"What we actually need is real love, born when two real people recognize, accept, and tend to each other's imperfections."

Is that too much to ask for?

thoughts on good Friday

Many, many years ago My Savior died. He hung on a cross and was executed, publicly, gruesomely, and willing. The tears flow, the fear comes, Peter denies as his world crumbles around him. alone, surrounded by sorrow, no idea that even in death Jesus was leading and loving him.

I know how the story ends and the emotion that comes to me...the awe, the love and the thankfulness I have in my heart, the joy He brings. I cannot imagine wanting to go on in the wake of the crucifixion. heavy hearted, world shattered...then Gone!

At the foot of the cross, I find myself more often than not the mocker in the crowd or the other thief, shouting "if you really are Christ prove it to me by doing _______" ...not Your beloved. You call me to be Your beloved, even between painfully shallow breaths You storm heaven to protect me from Your wrath! "Father forgive them for they know not what they do."

Listen...I love you.
How do I respond?

I cry, I ask why You would love me, I demand You show me and until You do...I hold my arm out, not to embrace You , but to keep You away.

Broken hearted I lay my ______ at the foot of the cross, kneeling over it not yet ready to completely let it go, not completely ready to accept If I don't give it to You it will die. I know only You can give it life, but You may choose not to. (Help my heart change those last words into a command giving You control, instead of a reason not to.)

random love notes

this made me laugh out loud and snort a couple of times...no tears, well maybe a few but more because of the pain in my heart when I realized that the mysterious tall dark handsome (hey it's my imagination) foreigner looking for me...isn't actually.

Well raisa, "I am dreaming to find my real man" too...

prayer & the chair at the hair salon

Anyone who has known me very long, knows it a common occurrence for me to change the shape, color and style of my hair on a regular basis. My current coif is the color I should have been born with, a medium short style with bangs. Currently being described as "hot". Kristen nailed it this time because EVERYONE has commented on it. I’ve had double takes and comments from people I never even knew noticed my hair. Which got me thinking about Kristen, our relationship, and my complete trust in her skill to make me look beautiful. She is the artist and I am the canvas…well at least on good days. I have reached the point where I come to her with an idea and she makes it a reality. Numerous times my first comment on seeing my updated mane has been “it’s exactly what I wanted and I didn’t even know it.” Which got me thinking about prayer…stick with me here; I know it seems like a stretch. I have über trust in Kristen and her ability to make my hair look its best. It goes like this. I sit in her chair, Kristen puts her hands in my hair which embarrasses me, because it is always overdue for a shampoo and sometimes I haven't even run a brush through it. After my apology, she tells me not to worry about it. So I sit there and we talk about what I want to do with my hair. Instead of showing her pictures and telling her exactly what I want her to do. I give her ideas; tell her what I like about my hair and what I don’t. Instead of giving her exact instructions, I trust her knowledge and skill to make the idea come to fruition (which happens to be the name of the salon where she works) in the best way possible. I long to approach prayer the same way I approach Kristen’s chair. I sometimes get it, but more often than not, I give explicit directions to God and show him pictures of how I want things to work out. He has shown me over and over that he is faithful and trustworthy, that his knowledge and skill are immense…but somehow with certain parts of my heart I still find the hardest thing to do is trust Him. I long to let go and pray for His will in my life, to see that what God has planned for my life is exactly what I want…and let go of the picture of what I think will make me the happiest.