pain, fear and love

"Live life to the point of tears" Camus.

I'll admit I don't know a lot about Albert Camus, and I picked up this philosophy from a notable quotes magnet stuck to my fridge. I'm a crier, happy, sad, distraught, frustrated, elated, or devastated. My favorite kind of tears are the ones that fall out of my eyes when I'm laughing so hard I can't catch my breath. Unfortunately those are not the ones I had to face this week. My worst fear happened over the weekend, the one I actually vocalized to a friend, through my tears, that I didn't think I could handle if it were to happen. That same friend told me the news.

I cursed a lot... and so did most of my friends.

Well I'm still standing. I thought it would knock me down or shatter my heart and instead, emboldened as if I have something to prove, I want to yell back "what else you got?"

But I haven't, because... well...  it hurts like hell.

I think I would love for my rational brain to invade my heart and shut it down. Shut down the fear and little anxieties that plague my hope.  But doing so also cuts off my ability to love, hope and dream. Since I am a feeler. I want to feel. I hope to feel happy but that's not always the case.

I don't know why I distrust that I will have the strength and wisdom I need to deal with whatever I have to face. The fear is the present dealing with the future instead of the present dealing with the present. We are strong enough, we will we be strong enough or we will gain the strength as we walk through whatever life brings.

We are in the final days of Lent, and the call of these 40 days to open our hearts to Him is not lost on me.

Rend your hearts not your garments.

My heart feels wounded and exposed. Pierced and infected with a lifetime of pain and hurt that have grown into fear and insecurity. Insecurities that remain mostly hidden to all but those who resemble the ones who inflected the pain.

Fully surrounded I have no choice but to surrender.

There is a connection between pain, fear and love that none of us escape. I truly believe when we can express our own hearts and listen to those of others we will find none of us are alone. What I think makes me a crazy lunatic actually points to the fact that I am a real live human being wrestling with the fact I have a heart big enough to feel pain and still have room to love. Even when it hurts I wouldn't want it any other way.

_____

I wish her insight to battle love's blindness
Strength from the milk of human kindness
a safe place for all the pieces that scattered
learn to pretend there's more than love that matters